My Struggle

So as i do from time to time, I look at things...I've come to realize that the pain of hurting someone probably wont go away and I have yet to figure out exactly how to deal with it without letting in ruin my life. I've been told that's it's impossible for me to feel pain when I was the cause of it, but in no way is that true, I feel man and it affects me and I need to get a handle on it. I know closure is what I need, but how do I go about getting it? What's the protocol? This is an area I'm not familiar with, I've been hurt, but never did the hurting, I want to move on completely, but my mind won't let me. It's been very hard for me, I'm trying but sometimes I fall back into the same mode. It's like how can you betray someone's trust then be expected to trust someone else or be trusted yourself? How can you hurt someone that you say you love and expect to be loved by someone else? Another thing, its like how can you hope someone forgets your past, but you have a hard time forgetting theirs..I've changed so much and I liked to think its' for the better, I don't know sometimes...I'm scared and confused, I don't know what to do and I'm scared that the wrong decisions could haunt me... it's like sometimes I'm just waiting for something to happen because I can't possibly do what I did and not be payed back for it...But I hate thinking like that, I mean people screw up daily and go though life unaffected, they are able to make amends in some cases, and just continue to screw in others and still have a good life. I know that's true but with me things seem to never go according to script. I've tried to make my peace with all involved, it's a work in progress, I hope by the next time i write, I will have made some.