Update on Meee

Hello,
Been a long time, wanted to talk about how I feel right now. I'm in a much better space mentally than I've been in a long time, from my previous posts you'd think I would've never gotten out of that funk I was in, but I did. I'm at a job that I like and am far removed from all the drama, {most of which I created}. I feel really good about where I am. It's funny, before I was the one the needed the boost, that always needed the "pick me up", now I'm the one keep others' heads up, feels so good. I wish I could pinpoint a time where this change happen, I guess it doesn't matter, it has happened and I'm super glad about it.

It's like now I can focus on being a better man, a better friend, I can't express how happy I am in the regard. Most importantly I can treat those closest to me the right way and give them the attention they deserve, gone are the as I call em "lost days". Days that I wasted being in a funk, where I was depressed, down on myself, angry for no reason. Of course those days still happen, but they are very few and far between and I recognize them and am able to move forward much faster.

I always talk about when will my time come, it seems it was there all along, I just had to see it!!

Frustrations

You ever just sit and wonder to yourself why you are the way you are. Well i do that fairly often. And when I do i'm often frustrated because i am never able figure it out. I'm an introvert, very passive, have major social anxieties, and self esteem and image problems. I look back at my past and can't quite figure out why I possess those less than enviable qualities. Why am I the way I am? People often can pinpoint an event, or a situation in their lives that shaped their current personality, but I can not. Am i just not looking hard enough? Am i looking at the wrong things?
I am sitting by myself while my girl is out and am worried that she is doing something she shouldn't be, why am i doing that? I don't know, I don't even know why I am typing this..just so frustrated.

My 2nd Chance..

So here I go again..I am moving again with another young lady...The first time was about 4 years ago..I eventually married that girl and for reasons I may explain in future posts, all of which were my fault, that did not work out. I have mixed feelings, I am looking forward to a second chance with another female whom I love and feel is a good fit for me. However, I have been with her from the time I left my wife and never really gave myself a chance to be by myself. I am kind of scared, its like I don't want to make the same mistake, I do really want this to work. We were living together for a while, but this time it will be our own apartment, lots more pressure than previous spots.

This going to be so different, she is such a different person than my ex-wife. It's like moving into an apartment with her is bringing up memories of my ex-wife, like all the times we shared in our apartment, all the good and all the bad. I don't know if or how that is going to affect me or us. I hope it doesn't, but I struggle at times handling emotions of things involving my ex-wife. I need this to work, I am not the type of guy to bounce around. More importantly, I want this to work, I love my girlfriend and definitely can see myself with her, but this is the true test, my second chance..

My Struggle

So as i do from time to time, I look at things...I've come to realize that the pain of hurting someone probably wont go away and I have yet to figure out exactly how to deal with it without letting in ruin my life. I've been told that's it's impossible for me to feel pain when I was the cause of it, but in no way is that true, I feel man and it affects me and I need to get a handle on it. I know closure is what I need, but how do I go about getting it? What's the protocol? This is an area I'm not familiar with, I've been hurt, but never did the hurting, I want to move on completely, but my mind won't let me. It's been very hard for me, I'm trying but sometimes I fall back into the same mode. It's like how can you betray someone's trust then be expected to trust someone else or be trusted yourself? How can you hurt someone that you say you love and expect to be loved by someone else? Another thing, its like how can you hope someone forgets your past, but you have a hard time forgetting theirs..I've changed so much and I liked to think its' for the better, I don't know sometimes...I'm scared and confused, I don't know what to do and I'm scared that the wrong decisions could haunt me... it's like sometimes I'm just waiting for something to happen because I can't possibly do what I did and not be payed back for it...But I hate thinking like that, I mean people screw up daily and go though life unaffected, they are able to make amends in some cases, and just continue to screw in others and still have a good life. I know that's true but with me things seem to never go according to script. I've tried to make my peace with all involved, it's a work in progress, I hope by the next time i write, I will have made some.